Why Him, Why Her by Helen Fisher

My whole summer of 2017 was a quest to understand the polarity that exists between men and women. To be very clear, I don't believe this is a black and white topic and respect the notion that gender exists on a spectrum and there is an abundance of nurture at play. 

"Bird of a feather, flock together."
"Opposites attract."

What if both are true?

I read or listened to a pile of books on the topic and came across Helen Fisher's "Why Him? Why Her? How to Find and Keep Lasting Love" and it quickly became a "life changer." Her theory is we all inherited different preferences for neural pathways which strongly influence our personalities and therefore our romantic relationships. We often have a primary and a secondary.

Here's the breakdown:

Explorers are driven by dopamine and seek a play mate in a partner

Builders are driven by serotonin and seek a help mate in a partner.

Directors are driven by testosterone and seek a mind mate in a partner.

Negotiators are driven by estrogen and seek a soul mate in a partner.

 

This book is full of rich, easily digestible tidbits of neurobiochemistry and gives concrete information on how our nature forms our personalities and influences our relationships. I highly recommend you either read or listen to it and let me know what you think.

To find out what your personality type is, visit Helen's website, The Anatomy of Love.

If you're curious, I'm 98% explorer, 19% builder, 93% director and 71% negotiator. What is your breakdown?

Casey

 

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 31

Write down three healthy, simple things that you do for you that bring you pleasure.

Now do them everyday. Or you could make a list of 20 and pick three new ones everyday. The don't have to be sexual either, they must bring you pleasure though.

Mine would be:

  • have a dance party to music that makes me gracious or ecstatic
  • take a bath filled with warm epsom salts and read a book
  • enjoy my morning coffee by the fire
  • truly tune into my body as I or another pleasures it
  • eat something delectable and experience my mouth's response to it
  • meditate and journal
  • roll on therapy balls
  • hug my children for an awkward amount of time and stare deep into their eyes
  • smile at people that cross my path

And I will slap the list to the wall and commit to doing a minimum of three a day and write them in my planner. 

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 30

Soap yourself sensually and savagely.

In general, we don't spend a lot of time nude (especially here in Canada in March.) Showers and baths are an excellent opportunity to take advantage of all the skin that's accessible to us and to enjoy a conscious erotic experience with yourself. Let today's exercise be a blend of a little softness with a splash of roughness, but don't go too crazy now, you're in the shower!

  • go slow, then fast, then back to slow
  • touch your skin, dive deep into your muscles with more pressure, then come back to the surface
  • tickle your scalp as you wash your hair, then really dig your finger tips in, or perhaps grab handfuls and pull a little, savour the rinse after
  • touch everywhere you can from the tips of your toes to the top of your head in a multitude of ways

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 29

Fantasize about someone you've never been with. 

This sparks the creative centers in your brain instead of going to the visual centers with porn or the memory centers with past experiences. Play the entire courtship out in your mind and be luxuriant in your reverie. You can simply think about it, write a short story, make a comic, talk about it with a lover or just enjoy the sensual movie in your mind while you self pleasure. Draw it out and tune into all the senses: taste, smell, sight, sound and of course touch.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 28

Stimulate yourself through your clothes.

And do it all day long! Tease and arouse yourself for the entire day, stimulating a reasonable amount of blood flow south of the belt, then going back to whatever it was you were doing. Let the randiness simmer, rage or tickle through your veins and see what happens.

Obviously, within reason - don't be getting caught for indecent exposure and blaming me. 

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 27

Imagine you had the body of the opposite sex and pleasure yourself.

This may feel absolutely amazing or it could feel completely foreign. Spend a decent amount of time here if you're uncomfortable with it, but you can always go back to what pleases you. Consider how you would touch a member of the opposite sex and touch yourself that way. Imagine being on the receiving end of a variety of sexual pleasure. Imagine being on the receiving end of giving sexual pleasure. Let your imagination run wild. 

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

 

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 26

Continue to touch post orgasm.

Our genitals are hypersensitive after we orgasm. One way to increase our tolerance for sensation is to play in the extreme ends of it. Stroke, tickle or touch your genitals for two minutes post orgasm. It doesn't have to be full-tilt, just go soft and easy to a level you can tolerate. Feel what you feel.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 25

Romance yourself.

Do so in whatever forms you like. Here are some ideas:

  • flowers
  • chocolate
  • seductive music
  • a delicious meal
  • a glass of wine or bourbon
  • candles
  • a bath
  • a massage

Take time to take in all the feelings romance creates in your body. Do you feel special? Awkward? Aroused? Indifferent? Could like practice make you feel more connected and in love with yourself?

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 24

Check yourself out.

By this I mean check your genitals out. Use all your senses and feel free to take pictures. This will be more enlightening to women, as our genitals need a mirror to inspect. You are more than welcome to do this with a partner, but don't get too distracted ;)

Check them out when:

  1. you're not aroused
  2. when you're half way aroused
  3. when you're fully turned on
  4. after orgasm(s)

What does each part look like?

How do your inner and outer lips feel? Squishy, swollen, blossoming, wet, dry.

How does your clit feel? Hard, soft, sensitive, bored.

How does the inside and outside of your vagina feel? Think textures, wetness, tightness, stretchiness, temperature, sensation.

Where is your cervix sitting and does it move easily? Low, hard, soft, unyielding, buoyant.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 23

What do you need to do to feel like your sexiest self?

Here's some ideas:

  • fresh, real food and a healthy digestive system
  • sunlight
  • enough sleep
  • a hot shower
  • freshly brushed teeth
  • grooming - hair styling, mascara, de-fuzzing
  • a consistent movement practice - lifting, yoga, running, sports
  • meditation
  • well-fitting clothes that accentuate your figure

These things can be anything you can do for yourself and that you can control to help manifest feelings of attractiveness, arousal, sexiness or comfort in your body.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 22

How do you want to feel sexually?

Contemplate how you want your sexual self to feel. Write an abundance of words down, then try them on and see which five fit the best. For instance, if seductive is one of your words, repeat "I am seductive" to yourself a few times. Or perhaps, "I feel relaxed" is more your style. Which words resonate with you both on the surface and on a deeper level. The other thing to consider is how YOU want to feel, and not how someone else wants you to feel. It can help to take a break too and add to the list throughout your day, then sort through what you've come up with. This process can also take a few days too. Don't rush yourself. Say the words, write the words, feel the words to decipher whether they're a precisely how you'd like to feel. If five is too many, or not enough, use however many you see fit!

We'll build on this tomorrow. Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 21

Self pleasure but stop before orgasm.

Experience when sexual energy builds and stays in the body. 

  • self pleasure to the brink of orgasm and stop completely
  • go about your day mindful of the energy shift in your body
  • repeat steps one and two as many times as you wish

What do you notice? Is it tolerable? Are you more or less productive? What do your thoughts look and sound like? If you experienced orgasm at the end of the day, was it different?

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 20

Be conscious of the sensation of brushing your teeth and washing your face.

Our faces and mouths are full of intensely sensitive nerve endings and there are daily opportunities to truly experience the sensations, if we would only take them. Spend some time and be mindful of what you're feeling as the toothbrush crosses your teeth and gums and the facecloth glides over your face when you're getting ready for the day or preparing to slip into bed. 

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 19

Touch a part of your body you dislike.

Place your hands on this area of your body and breathe love and appreciation into it for ten minutes. If you have more than one, choose an area that is tolerable to focus on. You may choose to craft a sankalpa for that specific area of your body to repeat to yourself with each inhale and exhale, such as:

"My thighs are sweet like honey"

"I love my soft spots"

"My pussy brings me pleasure"

"My dick is perfect."

"My arms are strong and beautiful."

This can be a challenge, but one with facing and definitely worth revisiting a for a few moments each day. Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

 

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 18

Write a story about your first invited sexual experience.

First can mean a great many things, choose whichever first you'd like.

Use a pen and paper, a computer, a comic, a picture book, however you'd like to do it. Explore the physical and memories. How did you feel before, during, after? Can you recall the specifics? Do you want to? What was your favourite part? Meditate and journal to appreciate, integrate or let go of this experience when you're done.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

 

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 17

Listen and move to music that turns you on. 

I had something different planned for today but seeing as how it's the day of St. Patrick, I figured I'd flow with that.

Take a solid 20 minutes to crank some tunes that make you randy and move your body with the sensual and sexual energy you cultivate from the music. As simple and complex as that. If you choose to do this with a partner, avoid the inhibition that can come from being watched and focus on what is going on in your body in relation to theirs.

  • try standing, sitting or lying down
  • rolling, crawling, twerking
  • use furniture, walls and props
  • throw in some singing, humming or moaning to the beat. 
  • shifting into genital stimulation towards the end if you feel drawn towards it

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 16

Make noise when you self pleasure.

Moan, breathe, hum, talk or sing while you self pleasure today. Relaxing and stimulating the throat has profound effects on the nervous system and can greatly enhance your pleasure and orgasms. Try different ways of making sound and recognize if that shifts the sensations in your body.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 15

Self pleasure in a new way.

It's common to spice things up with partners, but when was the last time you spiced things up with just you? Explore our self pleasure in a novel way.

Always use the right hand? Use the left for awhile.

Is your focus on your clitoris or cock? Do some penetration.

A vibrator your jam? Mix it up with your hands, fingers or shower head.

Porn always part of your playtime? Fantasize about someone you have never been with. 

Doing something a new is a great way to unlock more potential pleasure. Let me know what you come up with! DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

 

Pleasure Proclamation - Day 14

Ohm for five minutes, shifting the focus up and down your spine.

This is so juicy and so powerful. It may seem crazy, but hear me out and experience it for yourself before you judge it.

  1. Get comfortable and in a space you won't be interrupted. I like the bath tub.
  2. Set a timer for five minutes (or more.)
  3. Take five rich breaths.
  4. Start to ohm on your exhales.
  5. Let the vibrations radiate down and back up your spine and expand through your body. 
  6. Take five rich breaths after the timer goes off.
  7. Move slowly back into your life.

Things to explore:

  • lengths of the inhales, exhales and spaces between the top and bottom of the breath
  • shifting the emphasis to the "o" "h" or "m" of the sound
  • play with volume and pitch - how does it affect you to shift those things around?
  • how did you feel after? Take some time to reflect.

Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

Casey

 

     

    Pleasure Proclamation - Day 13

    Massage all around your genitals.

    Because blood flow = pleasure, lubrication, pressure and erections. Physical arousal happens when our erectile tissue fills up with blood. It is obvious in regards to male anatomy, as it results in an erection, but it can be less obvious in the female anatomy, mainly because we aren't looking for it and we don't glamorize it as much as a hard on.

    Ways to massage around your genitals:

    • sit on a therapy or tennis ball (with your clothes on) and aim for the space between your genitals and your asshole - shift around slowly feeling for areas of tension and hanging out for a few moments on each spot
    • use therapy balls or a foam roller on your inner thighs and butt cheeks
    • feel around the top of the pubic bone and apply firm but gentle pressure to tender or tense areas
    • if you have abdominal or pelvic scars shift them and lift them
    • use fingers or a toy to massage the inside with the intention of relaxing the muscles
    • utilize muscle contraction and relaxation to calm down the musculature

    Do this for a minimum of five minutes. Try a few things and span it over half an hour or more if you can make the time for it. 

    Feel free to DM me with your experiences or any questions you have. Enjoy!

    Casey